age twelve....what does that number bring to mind....middle school, maybe a first crush, maybe a great vacation with family... probably not survival. sara sits next to me, i feel the confusion of her drug...she huffs paint thinner as do most the street kids...a coping mechanism. she explained that it helps make her not hungry, or cold, or feel anything for that matter. her life is one of the day to day. she dodges the police because they are not protection, they are violent to the kids on the street she explains...they see them as dirt to clean up or abuse whichever they deem fit. all of this seems awful but then comes the blow... she looks intently around the court yard...seemingly halfway attentive to what is around her yet very aware of the person she is looking for...her husband she calls him. the 21 year old boy that she is "married" to. i ask her what she looks forward to and she smiles, and says next year she wants to start a family...the breathe left my body and my mind began to spin...i looked at this little girl, her nails were filthy, her clothes were the same every day, her ears were caked in wax, and her smell....paint thinner..my heart rips inside as i pull her into my arms...this is akward for her she squirms a bit and then smiles her glassy eyes only partially aware of her surroundings..

these are the kids that are at risk everywhere here...the poverty is so thick and the survival a mandate..

everyday sara survives...at 12. this takes me awhile to come to grips with..i am stunned by the differences in her and my own daughter...i want to help her, but how?

how so we begin? i asked God show me what you see, break me for what breaks you...it is working...
In Him,
Kris

Psalm 34:18

I have never had to emotionally detach myself from someone as quickly as I did them... it wasn't anything they did to me or said against me, it was their very way of life that disturbed my soul... I was so uncomfortable.

When we first arrived I thought they were drunk... for some reason that would be permissable to me but perhaps that is hindsight in comparison to what was actually going on... when Courtney enlightened me that they were huffing soaked rags of paint thinner I immediately shut down and needed to get away. Every fiber in my body wanted to scream out, to take their paint thinner and thier rags and throw them away, but what good would any of that done?... This was their way of life... They had no home, no money, no food... all they had was their poison to become numb to it all... I understand the allure of numbness but I had infinitely less problems to get away from... They put me to shame...

I wonder if the others are as emotionally detached as I am? I hope so just so I can look at myself in the mirror and not see the callous monster I used to...

One kid got hit in the face with a soccer ball and cowered down in pain right in front of me... But I made no effort to comfort him. (HIM? "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.") Why didn't I help him? Noone else did but since when, as a Christian, has that justified anything? I think it was because I was already doing so well emotionally detaching myself that I didn't want to ruin that by helping a 13 year old boy. (While that wasn't in the forefront of my mind it was no doubt subconsciously holding me back.) I was very cognicent that my countenance could have been mistaken or confused for disgust but it was a face of hopelessness, one shared with these children, only with them you had to search behind their glazed eyes to get a glimpse of it.

The vision of them slowly killing themselves will forever be etched in my mind... I can still smell them on me. Sweat... dirt... paint thinner... hopelessness... they reeked of despair and it was contagious. I felt like a shadow of a person among them.

I decide to type this down, hoping to transfer all memory of it with it so I never have to think about them again. What does it matter? In eight days I will be home and the street children will become nothing more than an afterthought... if only this could be true... emotional scars like this endure, not to drive us into depression but to ensure we continue with a passion that is just as real as the day we lived it.

-bryan

Day of rest...

we took a sabbatical today...we drove to Antigua which is an incredibly beautiful city that used to be the capital of Guatemala.... the cobble stone pavement was beautiful as was the the view of this city nestled in the middle of mountains and volcanos. great to get out ot the city and into the country..our team really needed the time. i think however, i saw a much different picture. again i was struck by the beauty on the outside, but the depravity on the inside...children everywhere begging. the looks on some of their faces was too much at times. being a mom i guess it touched me different the rest of the team, but all these chidren seemed to be exploited, just in a different way. a little girl with no arms dressed in a pink dress hobbled over to us to beg, the desperation in her eyes was soul wrentching. another little boy so dirty, begging for us to buy his stuff.....i know that this is the point, to make our hearts go out so we are propelled to give, and i know that we are supposed to politey say no thanks and walk away like i see tons of people able to do....but really??? i don't want to be able to not be torn for this. this is the loss of a childhood, a loss of the ability to be taken care of and laugh and giggle and run and play. dang it just shook me. then the pinnacle heart shatterer happened, a woman about 18 or 19 came up with her baby. she began saying something in spanish and pointing to her child. she lifted his little onesie and he had the medical condition that sometimes babies are born with where his belly had an open hemmorage and his organ was outside of his body. the mom had no money to get the bag and medicine to clean it and allow for safe draining. i was stunned...i stood there and a range of emotions shook through my core like a tornado. this would never happen in the U.S. this baby so in need of surgery...so dirty and vulnerable to infection....a momma desperate to get her baby help. she explained that she had no husband and her mom had just died..we asked her if we could purchase the stuff there that she needed and she had us follow her to the pharmacy...the bag and meds cost us under 20 U.S. dollars....we purchased her some formula and gave her more money to get clothes for the baby, and then we walked away....i was shaken again my core rocked..we walk away??? how?? i know that i can't save everyone in the world, but i also can't just brush off and keep trucking like this woman and baby never happened..someone on the team asked if i felt better because we helped her and i thought....really? no i wanted to shout i don't "feel" better! this baby is hurting and we took care of a minimal need....that is a big stretch to going about my way and feeling like i did something extra special...this is our mandate to help the widow to take care of the poor to protect the oppressed...i don't see this as optional....i pray i can find this baby medical care while i am here. i want try and help him....i am glad i feel this..i get to feel a small part of my very big God, we are the hands and feet of Jesus...i think He would feel the weight of these people..and i know He has never walked away...

In Him,
Kris

Experiences so far

Hey everyone, its Jon again,

We have been here in Guatemala for a few days now and already experienced a lot. Physically things have been very easy so far for us. We were able to hire a driver to take us around the city in his car, we have an amazing interpreter who has been such a help for our interviews, and we have gotten to know Carlos and his team very well already. Carlos is an incredible man who has given his life to help women trapped in prostitution and people that are living in the streets, and it has been such a blessing to get to see what he does.

However, many of the stories we have heard and the things we have seen have been very hard to handle. Some of the girls we interviewed have gone through things I cannot imagine, and they would be unbearable to hear without their stories of transformation in Christ and a new beginning. I don't think it would be possible to be "prepared" for what we have seen so far, if "being prepared" means to not be shocked and crushed by it. We also saw children living on the streets in a very different way than people that are homeless in the United States. I was so overwhelmed by what we saw that I couldn't do anything, I couldn't even pray while we were there or after we returned to the house.

The thing that struck me the most about the people living in the streets was that it wasn't poverty, it was complete depravity and an image of evil and sin. Not sin as in committing sinful acts, even just being trapped in their sin, but I can imagine that the way we saw them living is the same way that God views us in our sin. He has paid the price for it and offered freedom from it, but yet we still return to filth when He has given us so much more. Money, jobs, and places to live would not solve the problem we saw, it is rooted so much deeper and requires a transformation to fix it.

Today we visited Antigua, which is the old colonial capital and is very beautiful. It was supposed to be a day of rest from the things we have dealt with so far, but they found us there as well. As the city is a place frequented by tourists, there are many beggars there and poverty is prevelent, though it was not as hard on me as some of the other days. Kris had a very difficult time seeing children living this way and was moved to keep giving away the presents she had bought for her own children. It was awesome to see such love pouring out of her for them and to see their joy in return.

There are a lot of things I am still trying to comprehend and figure out about what we have seen so far, but many of these problems are far more complicated than they seem at first glance and I am having a difficult time understanding how I view them and how I should view them. While it has been tough, I am very encouraged by people's acceptance of us here and what a difference we have seen people like Carlos make in some of these girls lives, and that in Christ there is hope for them. Please keep all of us in your prayers and we greatly appreciate them.

Jon.

Day 2

So burdened: The weight of what we are doing is astounding. We interviewed a girl today who was 16 and pregnant with her 3rd child. She was abused/sold/abused and sold again- mostly before age 13 then turned to making money for her family however she could. Then we went to see the street kids. I can't really put into words the pain that ripped through my heart and soul as my feet hit the broken pavement. At once we were flooded with children 12 and up,smiling and laughing but behind glassy eyes from the paint thinner that is so easy for them to get. Children that should be safely tucked in their family's love, surviving unspeakable conditions. The smell of paint thinner was so strong that I had to continue getting ouside of their excited clutter so I didn't pass out. Some kids were worse, not able to hold a sentence, stumbling and falling all over- so easy for me to insert one of my kids, same ages but worleds apart. The depravity is so deep, almost a smog over the lost innocence of these children- so vulnerable to further violence because they are just everywhere. I know God is in this. I asked Him, break my heart for what breaks yours. Mission complete on day 2. I am ruined forever. I will forever carry these people in my heart and soul- not in a pitiful sad way, but in a voice for those with none. I want to show them How Great is our God. I want to show them there is so much beauty from the ashes- that God still wants them, even if it seems that no one else does.

In Him,
Kris

"These are God's children, and to refuse them is to refuse God." -Carlos Toledo

Be Careful what You Ask For...

We started early. We had four interviews- one a former sex slave, second a gentleman who rescues street kids, third the head of child human rights of Guatemala, forth a program head of an inter city organization that educates on safe sex. Interview one rocked my world. This beautiful 20 year old woman in front of me, speaking of such an unbelievable life- one thing after the other- one pain, one humiliation, one trial after the other. Flesh and blood in front of me. I had read story after story before ,but to have this woman sitting in front of me who had lost so much of herself, to touch someone who was riddled with so much pain... totally beyond my comprehension. Beyond my ability to process, beyond my ability to ever go back. A Holy anger rose inside of me that I have yet to feel- somehow though a beautiful picture of God's amazing grace.

In Him,
Kris

Day 1

We have had no trouble getting what we need information wise. It seems people that are combating trafficking in Guatemala are more than ready to shrae story after story- I wonder why. Why do they do it. They are in danger and are willing to risk their lives to fight but aside from God, what is the purpose, what is the point, what is their story? Did they have a part of themselves, taken or stolen or broken? Did this create in them a passion to free others? As my heart begins to weave itself into these people's lives- I sit and ponder so much. My thoughts this morning are of God's love for his people. I know I love this culture and this country but God loves them so much more. So much that He chose to send a people group from thousands of miles away to relate that love. The presence of evil is so prevalent- a country so beautiful but entrenched in violence, poverty, lust of power, and sexual immortality. I wonder if that is how God sees us aside from Christ. His beautiful creation on the outside but inside so polluted and corrupt. Mainly as I sit here, I think how could I not fight for the rest of my life for people who can't? Again and again I am shown that this is not God's short term passion for my life but yet a lifetime journey in the making.

In Him,
Kris

"For it is for freedom that we have been set free. Stand firm therefore and do not submit to the yoke of slavery."-Galations 5:1